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Post By Dancer via HH; sorry for the delay, I only just found this Thu Jan 12, 2006 at 08:28:00 pm EST |
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A Very Parody Christmas - Part 10: Trips Around the Lighthouse and Across the Bay | |
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| I had this weird nightmare where I dreamed that I had to write this round robin chapter to follow on from Ian and Adam, where the Juniors were all trapped in this wonderland world caused by a crash between Eddie the Imp and Mad Wendy in the dimension chaos around Visionary’s phallic lighthouse while the Legion did their neverending Christmas party. It was pretty scary. And then I woke up and… it was all real! But a promise is a promise, and I can’t set a bad example for the Juniors, can I?  So here goes:Trips Around the Lighthouse and Across the Bay Amber St Clare: I’m not bitter. I never get invited to these things. I always get stuck with monitor duty and paperwork. I like monitor duty and paperwork. I didn’t want to go to their stupid wild lighthouse warming party anyway. Doorbell: Riiiiiiinnnnggg!!! Amber St Clare: Flapjack? Can you get that? Doorbell: Riiiiiiiiiinnnnggggggg!!!! Amber, spotting “Gone to Party, Letching Required” post-it note on Flapjack’s broom: Great. So now I have to answer the door as well. What are the chances that’s my fairy godmother? Nah, it’ll be another supervillain here to massacre me. *Answers door* George Gedney: Hello. Could I speak to the Lair Legion people? It’s an emergency. Amber checks him with a scanalyser: And who the hell are you? Who put you on the harmless visitor list? George: I don’t know, but I’m slightly hurt. I can be very dangerous if I want to be. Like that time that young person stuck gum on the seat of a Louis XIII bureau at my museum. Amber, reading computer output: George Gedney, curator of the Willingham museum, possible Asil romance interest. George, perking up: Really? It says that? Did Asil type it in? Amber: Looks like it was Hallie. But Trickshot added the betting pool subfile. Mmm. You have your work cut out for you George. George: More than you know. I just called at the lighthouse to, you know, deliver a small Christmas present to… somebody. And it wasn’t properly there. Amber: Yes, it does that, I’m told. It’s tidal. George: Yes, I know that. I have a subroutine on my computer to calculate it. It should be there, but it isn’t. The lamp flared up in the tower, someone answered the door to me, then the whole lighthouse blinked, the lamp flared in the tower, someone answered the door to me. Again and again, like a broken CD. Amber: The entire Lair Legion is in there, along with everybody they thought to invite to the party. There’s almost nobody I can call! Wait… *dials the number of Xander the Improbable* Hello, is that the master of the mystic crafts? Answering machine: I’m sorry, but Xander is missing in a mysterious subplot since Nats’ wedding, but if you’d like to leave a message please describe the nature of the supernatural emergency after the tone… Amber: What? He doesn’t have a locum service? Answering machine: To fax your occult catastrophe press 1. To engrave a dark sigil of portent and warning press 2. To leave a dark prophecy of future apocalypse press 3. If your superhero team is trapped in a dimensional spiral reliving the same Christmas party over and over again because of the devastating interface of two reality-twisting lunatics please call back later. Thank you. George: What did he say? Amber: He said we’re in a lot of trouble, and that you need to climb the outside of the lighthouse and get inside that way. George: Oh. [Meanwhile, inside the lighthouse:] Mr Epitome: It feels as if this Christmas party is going on forever. It feels like it should be January already. Trickshot: Aw loosen up, ya grump, and spin the bottle. CrazySugarFreakBoy: No really, all the cool superheroes have a mistletoe belt buckle. Yo: Rabito is to be so hard to wrap in tinsel. Yo wonders where Rabito is? DBS: Ah, Uhuna, have you, um, met Trudi and Jenny? Excuse me, I remembered I left the gas on in Guatemala. Yuki: …reckon I could get MACH2 out of Santa’s sleigh easy, given a straight route… Al B: …asked me to weld her dungaree clips together this time so she could drink all she liked without… Lisa: …special trimmings over in my room if you’d like to come and look at… Priscilla: …been a long time on the balcony with that Hallie woman, that’s all I can say… Zdenka: …do not think Egg Nog translates into Candian… Hatman: Never mind. Come here and try this other custom we have, under this little berried plant that’s hanging here… Librarian: Marley was dead… Mumphrey: Damn shame, poor chap. Dancer: I wonder where Amber is? Didn’t she get her invitation? Mr Epitome: It feels as if this Christmas party is going on forever. It feels like it should be January already. Trickshot: Aw loosen up, ya grump, and spin the bottle. CrazySugarFreakBoy: No really, all the cool superheroes have a mistletoe belt buckle…. [And through the wardrobe…] Kerry: This yellow brick road looks much better covered in volcano ash, don’t you think? Ham-Boy: I don’t know. I’m still being appalled by Gaz hitting that witch with that house. Even if all those little people seemed very happy about it. Fashion Accessory: Are you kidding? You could tell she was evil just by those trashy ruby slippers she had on. Glory: Could somebody please tell Rabito that I am not going to let him ride me? Rabito: But you’re so cute, baby. Harlagaz: Looketh. Yon road branches into twain, with a sign that sayeth “To Happy Skipping Pixie Land” and “Into the Forest of Dire Peril.” [The Juniors look at each other. All except Hacker Nine, and he’s trying to decipher the code inside some ring her found] Kerry: Hands up any dweeb that wants Happy Skipping Pixie Land? Rabito: Ooh. Me! Me! Harlagaz: Methinks Happy Skipping Pixie Land ist too evil for me. But I couldst probably endure the Forest of Dire Peril for the nonce. Ham-Boy: And nobody’s bothered about this other sign that says “This Way to the Death Traps?” Fashion Accessory: Hey look, its starting to snow again. I bet we’re about to be attacked by that wicked witch-queen we heard about in one of the early chapters. I bet we… [And then all the Juniors are zapped into stone statues as the evil witch comes forward.] Evil witch queen, to her sledgehammer-carrying troll: Boris, smash them all into rubble. Then those reality-bending idiots can never untangle themselves and I shall rule over all this chaos forever! Hehehehehehehehehehe! Boris: Okay. [To be continued…] |
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